Dear Webby – Writing Contest #8

Write a question from a Narnian to a newspaper advice columnist (a la ‘Dear Abby’). Don’t forget to include Dear Webby’s response. Note: If you wish, you may substitute the generic “Webby” for a character from the books to be the advice columnist, as in the example. Winning entries will be posted on Virtual Narnia.

Example:

Dear Las,
My father is trying to force me into an arranged marriage with a man old enough to be my grandfather’s great uncle, and he’s of base birth, what’s more! The sun has become dark in my eyes. What should I do?

Signed,
Desperately Avoiding Ahosta

Dear Desperately,
What’s all the fuss about, darling? Don’t you know that Ahoshta Tarkaan is likely to be the next Grand Vizier and is in the favor of the Tisroc himself (May he live forever)? I strongly urge you to reconsider your options, darling, and not do anything hasty like running off with some grubby street urchin or Talking Horse or anything.

Helpfully Yours,
Lasaraleen

Honorable Mentions

Son of Adam fears Giant Sailing Invitation a Littl by CharnSun….leanna
Dear Mr. Marsh-wiggle,

Recently, a new friend of mine invited me on a lovely-sounding sailing trip in which we would circle the Lone Islands, have a bit of a campout on Felimath, then visit his personal friend that he claims owns much of Avra. The only problem is that he is a giant. I have heard some disturbing rumors about man being some kind of giant delicacy, plus I am feeling none too well about the fact that giants are too heavy for sailing ships. How do I decline this invitation gracefully…or should I worry?

Signed,
Too Young to Fry

Dear Too Young to Fry,

I must say that this invitation sounds a bit suspicious; however, that is only to be expected in the course of life. I shouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading this article this very minute and is knocking on your back door. But you may as well go on this sailing trip, even though I certainly have never seen a giant sail, because you are bound to meet your doom in days’ time anyway. And after all, slave trade in the Lone Islands was banned years ago, so I’m sure even if you aren’t eaten by giants or sea monsters or attacked by dragons, there’s always a very good chance you might be kidnapped and shanghaied to Calormen. There’s always the possibility, of course, of you surviving the trip, but then again, the other Marsh-wiggles always did say I was much too flighty and optimistic.

In hopes that the papercuts you are bound to get from this reply will heal quickly,

Puddleglum (“Mr. Marshwiggle”)”

To roll or not to roll–that is the question. by Jacques
Dear Madam Hwin,

I, a Narnian horse, write to you with the utmost urgency and in the deepest distress. Kidnapped (or captured or stolen or whatever you wish to call it) at an early age by the Calormenes, I have never been among other talking horses much and am not quite sure of myself in their company. Now, after regaining my freedom, I am planning to return to Narnia, but a very troublesome and pressing question has been bothering me since the journey started. It is this: Do Talking Horses ROLL? A friend of mine says it looks quite silly, and surely you can see I shouldn’t like to do anything embarrassing or disgraceful when making my first public appearance among my own kind!Being a talking horse yourself, I beg you to sympathize with my dilemma and speedily provide me with some sound counsel.

Yours in torment till your response,
Breehy-hinny-brinny-hoohy-hah. (But you may call me Bree)

Dear Breehy-hinny-brinny-hoohy-hah (I am a talking horse myself, don’t forget),

It seems to me that whether to roll or not once you’re in Narnia is the least of your worries. After all, you have to get there first, don’t you? Suppose you concentrate on doing that before anything else. And, once and if you do arrive safely, I don’t suppose the other horses will care two lumps of sugar whether you roll or not.

Sincerely,
Madam Hwin.

Lasraleen Fashion Expert by Daughter of Eve
Dear Lasraleen,

Having now solidified my plans to take over all Narnia, I am now earnestly considering a color to serve as my motif. It needs to be a color that represents evil well, but is also flattering. A somewhat reptilian color is preferred, as my other trademark is a serpent. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Colorless Witch

Dear Colorless,

Have you considered green, darling? Green is very chic and all the other Tarkheenas say it’s the new white. I wore a green dress to a party at the palace of the Tiscroc (may he live forever) the other night and it was simply divine. All the other girls simply adored it.
Helpfully yours,

Lasraleen

and the winner

Too Happy in Ettinsmoor by Lys Aranel
Dear Webby,

All the other wiggles say I am much too jolly. I am routinely gay and frolicsome.
What can I do to sober up?
(Though I daresay you can’t help me, or if you can, ten to one your response will fall in a puddle and get so wet I can’t read it… oh, well, must make the best of it…)

-Too happy in Ettinsmoor

Dear Happy,

Your problem is easily resolved.
Next time someone passes by your wigwam on a quest, offer them lodging, eel stew, and your services as guide.
Cannibals, enchantresses, and burned limbs are the perfect cure for your malady. Soon you will return home grave, sober, and serious, like other wiggles.

Yours,
Webby

Don’t forget to check out the winners of the last contest, Vindicate a Villian.