Court Jester – Writing Contest #11

You have been appointed court jester to a Narnian Evil Overlord or other villain (The White Witch, Prince Rabadash, The Tisroc, Miraz, The Lady of the Green Kirtle…). What kind of jokes or other entertainment might you provide and how might the villian in question react?

Example:

The Lady of the Green Kirtle, feeling bored of an evening, called for one of her Underlanders.  “Come, tell me a joke!”

“Many sink down, but few return to the sunlit lands.”

“No, a joke!  Tell me a joke.”

“Many sink down, but few return to the sunlit lands.”

“Don’t you know any jokes?  What about why the chicken crossed the road?  You must know that one.”

“Many sink down, but few return to the sunlit lands.”

“Never mind.  The Prince has an hour in the chair coming up.  That has to be more uplifting than this.”
Honorable Mentions

the interrrrrupting lady by Nancyp
Jester: Oh, the eensy-weensy spider went up the water-spout…down came the rain and washed the spider out…up came the sun-
The Lady of the Green Kirtle: Jester! Prrrrray, what is this sun you speak of?
Jester: Uh? Well, it dries up all the rain…
The LotGK: (picks up lute and starts strumming) Do tell me, what is rrrrrain?
Jester: Well, it’s wet and comes from above-
The LotGK: (tosses green powder on fire; smoke immediately begins to cloud up room) Above? Do wet things fall frrrrom the rrrrrroof?
Jester: (Coughing) Well, no, from the sky, actually.
The LotGK: And what is a sky?
Jester: (Still coughing) Good grief. I don’t know…exactly…how to explain…
The LotGK: Perrrrrrrhaps….therrrre is no sky.
Jester: (Groping for door) KOFF! Sorry, I gotta get some air…
The LotGK: Airrrrr? What, prrrrray tell…
Jester: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Autumn Feast by Lady Blanche
I attended a party at a castle in Ettinsmore. My Giant hosts were very friendly and there was much merriment. In the course of the evening, I was encouraged to entertain them with a funny story. I oblidged with this old joke. “Once we had a talking parakeet that had the annoying habbit of screaming “Oh dry up!” every time we had guests over. We used to punish him by putting him in the Ice-box for a few minutes. One day as we took him out,” I said, “the parakeet apoligized, ‘I’m sorry for my rudeness, but may I ask what was the turkey’s crime?”
The Giants were strangely quiet and I was afraid that my joke had offended them. Suddenly, the Queen smiled,
“That was lovely, deary. Speaking of turkey, I think we’re ready for our meat course.” With dismay I saw they were looking at me!

NO MORE UNEMPLOYMENT!!! by For Narnia!!! And for Aslan!!!
I am the official court-jester for King Miraz. Unfortunately, the king is in a pretty bad mood as his nephew has been told of the ‘Old Days’ and he fired the kid’s nurse. Now the king has decided to make a clean sweep of any of us employees that have any affiliation with anyone from the ‘Old Days’ and I am trying to avoid umemployment. So far the cook had to go because he played cards with a half-dwarf and a duke went because he was seen talking to trees. In any case, I hope the king’s mood dies down soon!!!

and the winner

The Tisroc’s (May he live forever) Jester by Aranel
The Tisroc (May he live forever) grew tired of sitting around doing nothing, so he called for his best court jester.
“Tell me a jest.”
“Uh…your Excellency, I-uh, um, what I mean to say is-”
Tell me a joke, patch! I want to laugh! Now!”
“Uh, you see, I don’t know any jokes that don’t, well, what I mean to say is…I don’t know any that don’t directly make fun of…a certain person whom I am certain no one would want to offend.”
“Who? TELL me!”
“Uh…how about I just tell the joke?”
“Very well.”
“Once, there was a great king of a country called…Tolormene… the, uh-kk, the, the Bisroc, yeah. He was feared and respected by all. If anyone didn’t, they died. The Bisroc had many sons, but one in particular named uh…Crabadash…was very stupid. He tried to attack this country called…Balmier…”
“That sort of rhymes with Narnia, does it not?”
“‘Narnia’ and ‘Balmier’ don’t rhyme, your worshipful majesty.”
“Hm…continue.”
“Crabadash attacked Balmier and Spamguard, but was defeated and dishonored. Then, he returned to Tolormene as a don- an enchanted horse and…everyone began laughing at him and the Bisroc’s stupid denial of his own involvement in the scheme against N-Balmier and Spamguard! The end.”
“Guards! Kill my court jester. I told him I STRONGLY disliked allegories the last time he told me a joke.”

Don’t forget to check out the winners of the last contest, The New Teacher