What’s Up Doc? – Writing Contest #21

Pretend you’re a therapist treating a character from The Chronicles of Narnia.

Example:

“Prince Rilian, just have a seat here, won’t you? Now, you say you’ve been having some problems at home lately.”
“Yes, my girlfriend killed my mother.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“I’d like to get up now.”
“Tsk, tsk. No leaving in the middle of the session. Now, how exactly did your girlfriend kill your mother?”
“She was a snake.”
The therapist scribbles onto his paper Has negative feelings towards women. “That’s fascinating.”
“Fine. Can I go now?”
“No, no, Your Highness. You just stay put. That chair is all part of the treatment…”

Honorable Mentions

Marriage counseling by Wathira N.
Counselor: “Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver. Please take a seat on those stools.”
Mrs. Beaver: “I prefer the rocking chair, thank you very much.”
Counselor:”Now, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, you have applied for marriage counseling recently. Can you tell me why?”
Mrs. Beaver: “Well, I thought that after literally decades of being married, only a proffessional would succeed where I had failed. That is, get Beaver off the chair and starting doing some things around the house.”
Mr. Beaver: “That’s not fair! Who’s the one what does the fishing? Who helped dig the tunnel under the house so that we could escape from the wolves if we had to?”
Mrs. Beaver: “But you do nothing inside! I was so embarassed when the Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve came over and the house was in such a messy state.”
Counselor: “Please calm down, both of you. Now, it seems to me, Mrs. Beaver, that you would like your husband home more. And Mr. Beaver, you feel that Mrs. Beaver does not appreciate what you do.”
Mr. Beaver: “That’s right! Do you have any idea what it is like to get up at six o’clock in the morning to dig a hole in the ice with a hatchet? It is extremely hard to hold a hatchet with beaver’s paws! And then to dip your hand into the freezing water just to get a couple of fish! After that, it gets even better. I have to sit out there on the ice and clean, gut, and salt the fish! It’s disgusting and my paws smell of fish all day!”
Counselor: “I see. What is your reaction to this, Mrs. Beaver?”
Mrs. Beaver: “It is not that I underappreciate Mr. Beaver. After all, I watched my father do the same things he did day in and day out. He never got a moment’s rest providing for all of us children and our mother. Especially since dear Mom had very poor health. But he hardly ever spent any time with us because he was so busy. The reason I married Beaver was because he paid attention to me and seemed concerned about my problems. But after we got married he became just like my father, always going out and only coming back for dinner. (sniff, sniff).”
Mr. Beaver (looking slightly abashed): Now now, dear, I was not ignoring you on purpose. I just feel that I have a responsibility towards you to take care of you. Where would I be if it weren’t for you? At the end of the day, I am more careful just so I can see you again. Why, I even quit that underground movement against the Witch years ago because it kept me away from you so long.”
(Mrs. Beaver wipes away silent tears.)
Counselor: “Well, I think that this has been a very productive session. You are starting to communicate with each other as you should. We will see if we can make the same progress (or better) next week. See you on Wednesday!”

Dearest by C. S. Lois
“Mr. Pevensie! Please have a seat here – I’m sure you’ll find this fur absulutely gorgeous. Now, to get to business..Oh wait! Wouldn’t you like some Turkish delight?” (passing a candy-dish full) “Now, what was your problem, dearest?”
“You see, I have this brother, Peter, who is an endless bother to me.”
“Bother? how do you mean, dear one?”
“Well, he thinks he’s the boss. And, well, it’s difficult to explain…”
“Go on.”
“But he seems to like the girls better than he likes me..”
(‘therapist’ writes: Has brother that is overbearing. Would not make good prince but a ruse is a ruse…) “..And your sisters?”
“They don’t mind me as much, but still, I’d rather not have an older sister that wants to be my mum, and a younger sister that is always a pest.”
“Well, I think I can take care of that right away, dearest. See those beautiful mountains? Just hop over in that direction WITH your siblings, and I can work things out for you all.”
“Do I have to take THEM?”
“Yes, or I won’t be able to solve your problem. I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Visit my place and you’ll never come out- I mean, you’ll never be the same again! Until then, dear one?”
“Yes, your highness”

Peters Problems by GWGShark
“Next” I said as the faun left my office. But what I saw nest astonished and appauld me. ” OMG YOUR THE HIGH KING!” What kind of problems could the high king have? “SHH” he hissed “*I don’t want the fangirls to notice me*” “Exuse me” ” The fan girls” “who” ” THE FANGIRLS” *the word fangirls echoes all through Narnia*
Fangirls-There he is! GET HIM!
*Wacky chase scene with lots of annoying music*
“GAH, I HAVE MORE FANGIRLS THAN THAT ORLANDO GUY!Hey wait a second…* sets out orlando bloom cutout*
” Well,” I said “That certanly was random” I said as he returned to my office. ” Sorry about that,” he sat down. “Those fangirls will be having fun with that orlano bloom cutout” “Orlando bloom?!?!?!?! HE’S HERE?!?!?!?!?!?”No his cutout is” “Why must you spoil my fun?
Well anyway, about that problem of yours…” “Well my problem is that, well fangirls” “Might I suggest that you get a makeover for the worse?” ” I don’t mean that, I mean, well I’m too popular.”
“I see. Well I see the problem. You are suffering from oversized headedness.” “Is there a cure for it?” “Yes. A teaspoon of humility a day for a month should help. You can get some at CVS Pharmacy.” “Where?” ” A store that doesn’t exist yet.” ” So how will Get my humility?” “Well you could try doing some thing utterly humiliating and degrading.” “Hmmmmm. Alright it could work.Thank you for your time. How much to I owe you?” ” Lets see, aaaah, 1,000,000$” “WHAT” “Well with that chase scene, that cutout, and I had to look into the future to find out about CVS Pharmacy.” ” Rip-off artist you are” ” Hey don’t get all Yoda with me” ” Who in the name of Aslan is Yoda?!?” Another character from the future.That’ll be 10,000 more for looking into the future again.” And as Peter paid and left, I thought to myself “The Con-woman strikes again”

THE END

and the winner

Poor Puddleglum by Wathira Nganga
“Good morning Mr….” (checks notes) “Puddleglum!”
“Not that it won’t turn into rain or thunder later in the day.”
“Are you usually this pessimistic?”
“Oh no! At least, not according to the other Marsh-Wiggles. They all say I’m too full of high spirits and I need to learn that life is not all fricaseed frogs and eel pie!”
The therapist scribbles onto her paper, ‘Strongly affected by peer pressure.’ “And how does that make you feel?”
“Well, I have been thinking of taking a vacation from my usual comforts to sober me up a little. For if the other Marsh-Wiggles have told me once, they’ve told me a hundred times not to be so light-hearted. Now, a trip up north to giant country would be perfect. The odds are a hundred to one that I will make it out alive! If that does not sober a chap, I do not know what will!”
Therapist scribbles on her paper again, ‘Has suicidal tendencies.’ “Are you willing to risk life and limb all for the sake of social acceptance?”
“Oh, it is not just to please the Wiggles. Our prince is lost, you see, and the king has no heir. There just might be a chance that if one wandered north far enough, he might find him and bring him back.”
“So you also have some compassion for an anxious father in you?”
“Of course the prince is probably dead and there will not be much point in looking for him after all.”
“Well, this is all very interesting and I would like to get to know you better. We will have another session next Thursday. So long!”

 

Don’t forget to check out the winners of the last .