Why? I loved church. And I loved spending time with my friends. I laughed. I had fun and was reassured that there are people, worthy people, who think I'm awesome. I don't have to prove anything to them. They already think so. They're amazing. Everyone should be so lucky.
But I'm home and it's hard to hold on to that.
I miss my family. It's been seven months since I started living on my own and just as I was beginning to deal with that, a crisis hit me. And I'm back to feeling exactly the way I did the day after they left. Like I'm floating out in space. Except then, I could tell myself that it was going to get better "with time." You get used to things. No, you don't.
The truth is, you get used to good things. You don't get used to bad ones. And you don't get used to emptiness. You have to fill it up with something. I'm still searching for that something.
The truth is also that I'm tired of pretending to be brave and tough. Why can't a girl be twenty-three and be allowed to admit that she misses her family? Why does everyone sweep in and tell her that she's a grown-up and should just buck up and deal with it? I miss the father that died. I miss the mother and sister that moved away. I know they're fairly happy where they are. It's not the fact that they're happy that bothers me. It's simply the fact that I'm not.
I had a friend with the gift of prophecy tell me recently that I was "angry". I really hadn't thought of it that way. I had thought of other adjectives. But you know, he was right. I'm angry that it all happened so quickly. I'm angry that nobody asked me. I'm angry that I had to choose between completely changing my life and...completely changing my life.
The truth is God loves me in spite of my anger. He's been telling me so over and over again. Through other people, through his scripture, through the Bible. It's such a clear message. It's unmistakable.
But I'm still angry.
The truth is that He will bring me out of my circumstances even if I don't handle them with the dignity expected of a literary heroine in the books I used to read. I don't read those books anymore, at least not right now, because they make me aware of how I've fallen short. Instead, I read books that tell me about grace.
And I've come to the place where I'm angry at the devil for constantly bringing me back to those feelings of abandonment and the lies that go along with it. Nobody needs you. You're a mess.
And I'm angry at the devil for making me believe the lies that have kept me mute. People will think you're annoying if you keep complaining. Just suffer in silence and at least, they will respect you.
You know what? I refuse to suffer in silence. As long as I suffer, I will talk about it and write about it because I believe in the power of community to heal wounds. How many other people are there out there just like me, thinking that their bravado does somebody some sort of unexplained good? What sort of good can it possibly do?
So I will speak about what I'm going through.
But I also promise this: When God pulls me out of this hole I'm in (and it will happen soon!) then I will tell everybody about it also. I will say, "Do you know, my life felt empty and God filled it up! I didn't know what to do with my time and He showed me! I'm not miserable anymore! I'm at peace!"
I will say it over and over again. And nobody will be able to make light of the testimony because they will have known about my struggle.Statistics: Posted by Aslanslamb — Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:22 am
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