Mistaken for a Sue
Leepikeek grunted as he opened the door to his office, the bell jingling merrily above him. “Hello, Dreep,” he said to his co-worker.
“Morning,” Dreepimeep replied.
“Seen anyone so far?” Leepikeek said as he put his coffee mug under the coffeemaker.
“Not yet,” the other mouse replied.
“Looks like you spoke too soon,” Leepikeek said, looking at the door.
****
Lasaraleen sighed as she stopped at the door. The letters on it read “NARNIAN FANFICTION HEADQUARTERS.” Using the glass on the door as a mirror, she straightened the four bangles on her wrist, along with the matching earrings and necklace. She tilted her crown just so, then pushed open the door. She walked to the side of the entry room, stopping at a desk. “Good afternoon, darlings,” she said in a bored voice.
“Uh-oh,” one of the mice at the desk said. His nametag read “Leepikeek.” It stood up, holding a scanner.
“Five OCs and a Mary Sue,” the other mouse said. “What a Monday.”
Lasaraleen sighed as it scanned her. “Darlings, we go through this every time I come in. Even though I have tasteful clothing and a perfectly endearing style of speech, I’m sure it’s perfectly clear that I am NOT a Mary Sue. I’m a canonical figure for crying out loud! Now, darlings, could we speed this up? I have an appointment for a five o’clock facial.”
“I’m checking for glitter,” The mouse named Leepikeek said as he scanned Lasaraleen’s fingernails. “She’s clear so far, Dreep.”
“Well, it’s always the glitter that does it,” the other mouse replied as he typed on his computer.
Lasaraleen started to worry. Hope I didn’t use glittering nail polish the other day…ugh. Maybe I can pass it off as the symbol of royalty, the descent of Tash, because his eyes glitter with…malice? Uprightness? I have GOT to work on my adjectives.
Leepikeek stopped. “Just as I suspected… glitter!” he said. “You can go now, SUE!” he said to Lasaraleen, saying Sue like it meant something far worse.
“Darlings,” Lasaraleen began, “it’s only the symbol of royalty. Since I’m descended in a direct line from Tash, and his eyes glitter with… ah…amusedness!” She said to herself, “…yeah, I’ll commit to that.”
“Amused by WHAT?” the mouse at the desk asked, raising his eyebrow.
“Oh, uh… the plight…of those who…um, do not worship him. Yes, the miserably horrible plight of those who do not worship him!”
“Fine,” the other mouse said, “let her through,”
“Thank you, darlings! I’ll go get a different mani-pedi before I see you next!”
And now, "Fanfiction Troubles!"
Fanfiction Troubles
I, Eileen Forward pushed open the door to my new workplace. The painted words on the door read “NARNIAN FANFICTION HEADQUARTERS,” and a sign hanging up below it said “Narnian Fanfiction Characters: Apply Here!” Beneath that, in smaller letters, were the words “No Mary Sues!” I took a deep breath. I was the new Human Resources rep. I was very slightly nervous, for the previous Human Resources reps, the mice Leepikeek and Dreepimeep, had quit their job after saying it was way too stressful.
I went over to a corner of the room and looked at my new desk, where a small plate had the words “Eileen Forward, Human Resources Rep” were emblazoned on it. On a small table behind the desk were coffee filters, some ground coffee beans, and a coffeemaker. I reached into my briefcase and pulled out my tea bags and my “World’s Best Beehive Hairdo” mug. I made a cup of chamomile and pulled my laptop out of my breifcase, and, placing it on my desk, started to type.
Before I knew it, the bell above the door was jingling and in came a girl. She was about eighteen, with perfectly curled blonde hair topped with a thin pink circlet, extremely bright blue eyes, too much lipstick, and a pink dress.
“How may I help you?” I asked her.
“I’m here to apply for a job as a Narnian Fanfiction character,” she said altogether too cheerily.
“I see,” I said, looking at the paper on my desk that had the list of questions I was supposed to ask characters. “Your name, please?” I got ready to type.
“Mary Sue Ariella Mignonette Eowyn Persephone Jones!”
“How do you spell that?” I asked.
“Oh,” she said. “M as in Peter the Magnificent, A as in Peter the Artistic…” I could tell that this was going to take a long time.
*****
After she had finally gotten through her name, using adjectives to describe Peter the whole time (including “Peter the Ever-handsome” and “Peter the Incredibly dreamy”) it was finally time to ask her more questions. “And how do you see your role in this story?”
Mary Sue Ariella Mignonette Eowyn Persephone Jones sighed dreamily. “I shall win the heart of my beloved, the High King Peter, whose aquamarine eyes are deep, limpid pools overflowing with love for my entrancing self, and we shall be wed in the great hall of Cair Paravel and I will be wearing a shimmering, rainbow-colored gown spun of moonbeams by a dozen dryads while the merpeople sing—”
I had heard enough. “Security!”
I'm planning on writing a sequel to Fanfiction Troubles in a little bit.
EDIT: I wrote the sequel! Here it is:
Fanfiction Troubles 2.0
Dear Diary,
It started out as a perfectly typical day for me. I woke up in my (pink!) room and gave a good-morning kiss to all of my 127 High King Peter posters. I ate a breakfast of (pink) cereal, thinking the whole time of how I would marry Peter that day. I left 562 voicemails on his phone with my (pink!) iPhone 5C. After that, I spent 4 hours deciding which (pink!) outfit I should wear. I had to decide between the pink dress with purple trim or the pink dress with (pink!) and blue trim, for it was very tough deciding which one Peter would think was prettier. I decided on the pink dress with purple trim, put it on, as well as my (pink!) circlet. Then I brushed my hair, put on lipstick, and put on my (pink!) high heels. I then left for the Narnian Fanfiction headquarters in my (pink!) limo. I got there and opened the door with my (pink!) silk gloved hands. That’s when things started to go awry (and less pink!) Instead of those adorable little mice, Leepimeep and Dreepikeek (or whatever their names were), sitting at the desk, there was a lady whose name was, I kid you not, EILEEN FORWARD! After getting over the intial shock of a name like that, I decided to resume, saying the same things I had always said. I told her I was here to apply as a character, I told her my name, I spelled it for her, and then she asked how I saw myself in this story. So I told her (in my best elegant wording), “I shall win the heart of my beloved, the High King Peter, whose aquamarine eyes are deep, limpid pools overflowing with love for my entrancing self, and we shall be wed in the great hall of Cair Paravel and I will be wearing a shimmering, rainbow-colored gown spun of moonbeams by a dozen dryads while the merpeople sing—”
And then you know what? She called the security on me! I guess Peter’s playing hard to get. And you know what? I can, too! Maybe I’ll pretend to want to marry Edmund, instead, and see how Peter likes THAT!
Love,
Mary Sue Ariella Mignonette Eowyn Persephone Jones
