Frozen In Time Snippets

[Tenethia]

I decided I'm going to post snippets of my novel-in-progress here. I'd appreciate any comments -- what you liked, what you didn't like, what worked, what didn't work.

“Here, Tiersa, give me your hand,” my husband, Amser called as he reached down to grab my hand. I clasped his hand, and helped pull myself up as best I could by bracing my feet against the wall and walking up as he pulled me. Once I was standing beside him, we walked together across the top of the mountain, climbing over the boulders. We walked together until we neared our favorite place, an overhang we had spent much time on together, both before we were married and now that we have spent some time together. I rushed ahead of him, and surveyed the land spread out before me.

The Woods of Bane began many feet under the overhang he and I were standing on, and stretched on for a long ways in a mass of beautiful, green forestry. The wind was blowing slightly that morning, and as we glanced over the sight we’d seen so many times before on our climbs, we saw something we hadn’t seen before. The wind was rushing through the trees. Have you ever watched a wave slowly wash upon a golden beach? This was sort of like that. The wind wasn’t going through all the trees at once, but gradually sweeping through them in large waves and breezing across the woods, the swaying of the limbs getting quieter and slower until it died off.

As the woods became scarcer, little village homes that looked as small as specks from the height we were at began to appear and then began to show up in clusters, until you saw the village. It almost looked like a wheel from where we were. There was a large circle of little shops, built closely together at the edge of the village. I could make out my father’s forge, and the little building next to it that Mother and I sometimes sold our weaving in. Then came wide stone paths going diagonally in to form what looked like spokes, and finally the center of the wheel, the tightly packed cluster of homes where most people lived.

Then, when you could see nearly no further, you could see the sun, barely rising over the horizon, and casting a mantle of orange and purple beauty over everything.

“Isn’t this just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” I asked, gazing over the lands I have always called home in awe.

Amser stepped up beside me. “True beauty will always place you in awe, no matter how many times you have seen it.”

“Oh?” I asked, still half in a trance. He was quiet for a few moments, and I glanced up at him curiously. Amser just smiled down at me, and placing his arm around my shoulders, turned his gaze away again.

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[SYorickson]

I've been meaning to write a response to this for a week, and am just now finding the time.

I enjoyed how you broaden the story through describing the scenery. You fused setting the scene with moving the narrative forward, so as I reader I am able to enjoy a vision of where the story is happening while getting some of the important narrative details.

Also, the way you give specific descriptive details really paints a visual picture. I love this part: "Have you ever watched a wave slowly wash upon a golden beach? This was sort of like that. The wind wasn't going through all the trees at once, but gradually sweeping through them in large waves and breezing across the woods, the swaying of the limbs getting quieter and slower until it died off." I can see the wind; I can hear the rustling leaves; I can even smell trees because of the other details.

I have one critique from an editorial standpoint regarding this sentence: "We walked together until we neared our favorite place, an overhang we had spent much time on together, both before we were married and now that we have spent some time together." I think it would be better broken into two sentences, because the length makes it a little hard for me to read. Just an opinion though! You might want to run it by some other sources for additional opinions.

I really enjoyed sample, and the details about Tiersa's life left me wanting more. Keep it up!