My Identity In Christ
Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 7:24 pm
So I'm sitting in counseling. I've been going to counseling for 5 months now for anxiety. In this period of time, I've switched jobs and built relationships in an effort to make my life make sense but it seems like my perspective is just flawed. My brain exaggerates everything, every tiny problem, and I am constantly unhappy with myself. I used to sing in the worship team in church but I've dropped that and I cant seem to find a place for myself to the point where even being in church is a source of pain. I can't stand being alone. And every word from every person hurts, hurts, hurts.
My counselor, Tondra, asks me how I'm doing. I could vent about work. I could. There's enough difficulty there. But what would that do for me? Instead I ask her what she wants to talk about.
And she tells me that it's possible not to worry about what people think, not to be overly hurt by people's opinions.
"How is that even possible?" Frankly I'm so discouraged, I don't know what else she could tell me.
"It's possible," she tells me. "Through your identity in Christ."
Part of me pulls back. I've heard all of that before. I've tried so hard to hold on to that identity. I've declared and cried and held on and saw no result whatsoever.
"This is what we do," Tondra says. "There is a belief you have that is an ungodly belief. We take it and we replace it with a Godly belief."
Together we explore what my ungodly belief is based on my experiences. Frankly, this sucks. My chest hurts and I keep taking deep breaths and I keep wanting to just get up and leave. It takes tenacity to go to counseling, knowing that you will have to open yourself up to examination no matter how sensitive the probing is. It's emotional surgery without anesthesia and nobody will make you go if you don't make yourself.
Apparently, my ungodly belief is that I have to do something in order to be loved and accepted by God. Judging by how it upsets me to have this put down in writing, it must be true. Tondra sits beside me and together we pray for the ungodly belief to be replaced by the godly belief: I am loved and accepted no matter what.
It is a quiet, gentle prayer and it is what I needed. I cry quietly. There isn't really a way to explain what it's like when you realize you've been believing a lie.
"You've got homework," Tondra informs me. I get a list of Bible verses to take home.
Yes, I'll explore them, study them, memorize them. Little by little. But frankly, it's been three days of me simply reminding myself, "I am loved and accepted no matter what." And I feel calmer than I've felt in months.
I don't have any easy answers. I don't know if I ever will. I just keep coming back to His love as the only thing that never changes.
My counselor, Tondra, asks me how I'm doing. I could vent about work. I could. There's enough difficulty there. But what would that do for me? Instead I ask her what she wants to talk about.
And she tells me that it's possible not to worry about what people think, not to be overly hurt by people's opinions.
"How is that even possible?" Frankly I'm so discouraged, I don't know what else she could tell me.
"It's possible," she tells me. "Through your identity in Christ."
Part of me pulls back. I've heard all of that before. I've tried so hard to hold on to that identity. I've declared and cried and held on and saw no result whatsoever.
"This is what we do," Tondra says. "There is a belief you have that is an ungodly belief. We take it and we replace it with a Godly belief."
Together we explore what my ungodly belief is based on my experiences. Frankly, this sucks. My chest hurts and I keep taking deep breaths and I keep wanting to just get up and leave. It takes tenacity to go to counseling, knowing that you will have to open yourself up to examination no matter how sensitive the probing is. It's emotional surgery without anesthesia and nobody will make you go if you don't make yourself.
Apparently, my ungodly belief is that I have to do something in order to be loved and accepted by God. Judging by how it upsets me to have this put down in writing, it must be true. Tondra sits beside me and together we pray for the ungodly belief to be replaced by the godly belief: I am loved and accepted no matter what.
It is a quiet, gentle prayer and it is what I needed. I cry quietly. There isn't really a way to explain what it's like when you realize you've been believing a lie.
"You've got homework," Tondra informs me. I get a list of Bible verses to take home.
Yes, I'll explore them, study them, memorize them. Little by little. But frankly, it's been three days of me simply reminding myself, "I am loved and accepted no matter what." And I feel calmer than I've felt in months.
I don't have any easy answers. I don't know if I ever will. I just keep coming back to His love as the only thing that never changes.