Fear Not, Beloved (poem)

[daughterofeve3]

So, I did for a creative writing class. It's based on Isaiah 43:2


I’m looking out upon the dark open water
I see a tree stand, where I long to be,
but no, the waves are getting higher and stronger
the river is unsafe, I cannot be with thee.

Come beloved, for when you through pass those waters
The waves will not stand, for I am be with you,
my love I am stronger then any of the rivers,
I will not let them sweep over you.

But how I will know you are standing there,
how can I see, what reminds unseen
for the restless sea is too much to bare
maybe I should search for one who is seen.

Fear not, beloved for I am here with you,
fear not, beloved for I will not leave you.

For days and weeks, I tried to find a way
a way to answer your call, to come
but the more I try to face any deep waters
the more I fall within shallowed of the waves, oh, how do find way to that glorious tree,
how I find a way across the unforgiven seas.

I am the only way, beloved,
I will be your path straight, to face those waves,
For my straight can calm your storms
I see you stand on a high hill
You will be there with me,
Where even the baggiest waves cannot reach.

For nights I flood my pillow with my tears
Then I woke up, with hiver eye lids,
and sour red checks
but to other it’s the same face.

I see your weary eyes
I take part in each tear, that is hidden
fear not, beloved for I am here with you,
fear not, beloved for I will not leave you.

If your words stand true,
Then why do I feel so cold within,
Why do the waves crash on me?
Why do you let them take me under?

Look at the flower of the field and the birds in the sky,
Are they not well kept and beautifully clothed?
Have I not given them all they need?
Are you not my precious then they?

I hear your words,
I know your there,
But the waves are too strong,
I am to sour to fight them.

Watch as the tree fall into the waters
Watch as the red leaves banish the raging seas.
fear not, beloved for I am here with you,
fear not, beloved for I will not leave you.

[hobbit_of_narnia]

I feel like this could be made into a song really well. There's something about how it flows. Great job!!!! It's a beautiful poem.

[Ariel.of.Narnia]

That's some good imagery, daughter! And you've really captured that back-and-forth between head and heart, knowledge and faith. Lord knows I've struggled with this and He and I have had this sort of exchange a number of times.
I would recommend going through it to correct errors like misspellings, missing words, and missing punctuation. There were bits where I had to guess at what you meant or read something twice so as to read it properly. (I'd be happy to help you out with that, if you like.)

[daughterofeve3]

Thanks hobbit, I never thought of turning it into a song, but yeah I might work (I've never written a song before)

Thanks Ariel, yes I was definitely for that battle between want to be close to him and also thinking were not good enough, which something I struggle with as will. Also, I tried to fix it up, but I'm really bad at self editing, so if want to help me out that would be great.

[HermitoftheNorthernMarch]

You captured the emotions in this poem very well!

[Lily of Archenland]

It DOES feel potentially very songlike - the call-and-refrain format lends itself well to that I think.
And you captured some great emotion here, and the imagery of the waters between you and the tree is lovely.

Some advice, if it is ok?
"the restless sea is too much to bare" - should be bear, yes spelled like the animal, if you're talking about handling a trouble or carrying a burden. As it is it's like nakedness, or removing something from its source - if you wanted to peel away the obstacle of the sea and roll up the water like a scroll or so much fruit-peel to throw away from your path you might use the current spelling. (Annoying things homophones!)

"the more I fall within shallowed of the waves, oh, how do find way to that glorious tree" - "Shallow waves" or "shallows of the waves" would be better, probably? As it is it sounds like past-tense - like talking about waves which somebody had intentionally made shallow. Also, "how to find a way" or "how do I find a way" for better grammar?
And that line is enough longer than the others that it *might* be good to do a line-break and increase the length of the stanza instead - but that is personal preference on my part, if you really need four lines a stanza or if you wanted it to stand out on purpose, you might leave it as is.

"I am to sour to fight them." - needs to be "too" for talking about an amount. And I'm not sure if sour is the word you meant or not - it works if you want to talk about being too sad or bitter to fight, being sort of put off the task by feeling hopeless - it would be "sore" if you meant like hurt and weariness and being tired of fighting physically.

I hope that was useful and not annoying! Good luck.

[Ariel.of.Narnia]

(Daughter, I promise I haven’t forgotten about my offer! The next while here is gonna be busy for me, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to write up some notes. Lily did cover a couple of points for me though. )

[daughterofeve3]

I completely understand how busy life can get (that's why I took so long to respond to this)