November 12, '16 Writer's Log

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narniac101
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November 12, '16 Writer's Log

Post by narniac101 » Mon Nov 14, 2016 10:39 pm

~ Writer's Group opens ~

Kristi: Hullo!
Ariel.of.Narnia: *squeals her tires coming in*
Ariel.of.Narnia: Hey
Kristi: Do you have anything to share?
Ariel.of.Narnia: I do have something from Jaygee.
Kristi: Ok
Kristi: why didn't JG come?
Ariel.of.Narnia: She can't come herself to Writers' is all I know
Ariel.of.Narnia: Okay, so this is chapter two of her fantasy story.
Ariel.of.Narnia: (and she also said, "Oh, and if anyone has a better name for the country/world than "Merjal" (please don't ask how I came up with it; I don't even know. :roll: ), I'll gladly take suggestions. ")

~ Jaygee shares ~
(Ariel sharing for Jaygee)

Ariel.of.Narnia: Elias’s bedroom door creaked open in the middle of the night, followed by the young man’s head poking out. A quick glance up and down the hall informed him that there was no one around. He pulled the door the rest of the way open and tiptoed toward the library. Despite the candle in his hand, he needed no light for that section of the journey; he had been going to the library since he knew how to read. The castle was silent, unnerving and encouraging him at the same time. Finally, he arrived at his destination.
The locked door proved to be no hindrance, as Elias possessed the key. The bolt gave way with a frighteningly loud squeal. His heart came close to pounding out of his chest as he attuned his ears to the surroundings, hoping that no one had heard.
After several agonizing minutes, he concluded that he was safe from discovery. A quiet sigh escaped his lips as he stepped inside, pushing the door so that it barely hung ajar. Here was where he needed his candle, for there was no way for light to enter the room at that time of night. He passed the well-beloved shelves containing his favorite volumes. At last he arrived at the very end of the aisles of bookshelves. Glancing around, he located a stool nearby that he dragged over to use to reach the top ledge. Elias carefully began to remove all the books, opening each to see is any was hollow. Finally, he found it.
He held the book as he reverently, carefully removed the long parchment. King Reginald’s seal sat emblazoned on the page, holding the document closed. Slipping the papers under his arm and covering them with his cloak, he turned to stare at the door that hid the books that had been declared “unfit for the knowledge of the general public.” Very few people were granted entrance into that room. Elias happened to be one of those people. As he spun the keys around on his ring, he gripped the extra keys to ensure that they didn’t jingle.
He drew a deep and shaky breath, staring at the door. His brain told him that this was foolish, that nothing in there was worth reading, that he should just leave. His legs began to move without his permission, his hands trembled as he lifted the key, and after several tries, his attempts paid off as it slid into the lock. The bolt slid free, despite the quivering of his hands. The door scraped the ground as it swung open.
This room was even dimmer than the rest of the library, the small candle doing little to dispel the darkness. Elias stepped carefully into the room, taking one footstep larger than the rest to avoid the creaking plank he knew was there. Lifting his candle high, he observed the three bookshelves that lined three of the walls. He lit the lantern hanging on a hook beside the door. A bit more light now aided his search. Elias began scouring the books, occasionally pulling one out to take back to his chambers to read.
Finally, with four extra books and a parchment in tow, he exited the library, leaving no trace of his having been there besides the missing volumes. Sliding out the door as silently as he had entered it, he nearly ran back to his room, only slowing at corners so he could ensure no one had spotted him. Upon reaching his chamber, he slammed the door closed (quietly). He opened his wardrobe and hid the books deep inside. While he was extremely curious about the manuscripts and document, he also knew that he would fall asleep at breakfast the next morning if he stayed awake any longer. So, with a sigh, he crawled in bed and was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.


Ariel.of.Narnia: (chapter break) would you like to make any comments yet or shall I continue on with the next section?
Kristi: I have comments
Ariel.of.Narnia: okay, shoot
Kristi: ok, so he's been going to the library since he knew how to read and the squeaking door is new to him?
Kristi: or is it just that he normally goes in daylight?
Kristi: also, what kind of library in any period of time would lack a candle or something to light?
Kristi: also, just saying 'he found it' seems a bit bland. If this is something he's never seen before, give me a little more about the search, his frustration, the kind of book that contained the secret.
Kristi: If it's not the first time, then reference that. "He found the volume with the gold-embossed iris on the spine" or whatever
Ariel.of.Narnia:
Kristi: Saying he spun the key on the ring implies a disregard for noise. You can't first say you spun the keys and then say they don't jingle because he's holding the rest. Any key more than one will make a noise if spun, and they couldn't spin far in that posture...maybe she meant he turned the keys to reuse them
Kristi: wait...no...if he has to sneak into that portion of the library, then how does he know there's a creaking plank?
Kristi: no trace except the missing volumes and the diminished candle
Kristi: but that might be overkill
Kristi: what's the time period?
Ariel.of.Narnia: fantasy, I assume medieval
Kristi: a-choo
Ariel.of.Narnia: bless you
Kristi: bother...I seem to be allergic to pixie dust
Ariel.of.Narnia: *nixes Tinkerbell prank off her list*
Kristi: ok, if it's medieval and we're talking illuminated manuscripts...
Kristi: ...he's carrying FOUR? And a scroll? And a candle?
Kristi: Hummy: He has gorilla arms.
Kristi: Tension Opportunity: consider having him hear a sound or see a light outside the door, or have to wait before he can go back to his room.
Ariel.of.Narnia: I had also noted these contradictory bits.
One thing that bothered me was what sounds like an overabundance of words in some sentences. For example, the one about the stool he finds and uses to reach a high shelf. It was kind of rough to read. If sections like these could be condensed or trimmed, it would help the reading experience.
In addition, there were some adjectives and adverbs that were unnecessary, like the "frighteningly loud squeal". Trimming out some of these would be a great help. Adjectives and adverbs are great, but if you can, make the most of strong nouns and verbs.
Kristi: but, on the whole, it seems good. I lack context, so I don't know what he just found...it seems strange he didn't stay awake long enough to read something secret though. And it might be a little strange to be stealing other books at a time when that should be his primary focus.
Kristi: *nods*
Kristi: Well, she's loads better than the guy at my group when he describes battles between the gods in painstaking detail and super-short sentences
Kristi: "Athena punched him nine times. Hades sunk into the ground nine inches."
Ariel.of.Narnia: Does he play RPG’s by any chance?
Kristi: "Dude...you have to stop being this weirdly specific..."
Kristi: Uh...I don't know. I don't think so.
Ariel.of.Narnia: *snorks*
Ariel.of.Narnia: Okay, ready for the next section?
Kristi: It might be a language barrier thing
Kristi: sure!
Ariel.of.Narnia: The next afternoon, Elias managed to find time to lock himself in his room to read the parchment and begin one of the books. The document was first on his list, so he withdrew his letter opener and slid it underneath the seal, pushing it upward away from the back of the parchment. Once the seal was broken, he eagerly but carefully opened the paper. Scanning the words, he saw exactly what his father had said it would contain: the draft of a law to legalize the worship of the One in Merjal. It contained no true, official protection or freedom of religion clauses, but it certainly would have been a start.
“Well, there’s that; what did Father want me to see in the books?” He reached for the oldest-appearing volume. A musty smell filled the room as he carefully cracked it open, being mindful of the old and fragile pages. He began to devour the neatly written script, script that likely hadn’t been seen by anyone in over three hundred years. The book was apparently a record of the history of Merjal when the Faithful had been ruling. As he drew closer to the end, the dates grew closer to the date of the coup, which he had of course studied in length. However, all the books he had ever seen started with that date; this history included stories and accounts that he had never even heard of. His hopes of reading of the causes behind the conflict were dashed when he reached the end of the book, leaving one hundred years of information he hadn’t known about.
Elias was reaching for the next book in chronological order when a knock on his door startled him.
“Elias?”
His heart pounding, Elias hurriedly slipped the books and decree back into their hiding place. “Elias? Are you in there?”
“Just a second!” he called, closing his wardrobe. He opened the door. “Hello, Jonathan. Is something wrong?”
“No, but Roald suggested the three of us go for a ride, like old times.”
“Like old times,” Elias agreed softly, his gaze drifting to the floor.
“Do you want to go?” Jonathan prompted him.
Elias looked back up at his best friend. “Give me five minutes.” He closed the door and let out a slow sigh of relief. “That…was…close.” He bit his lip. /I wonder… if Jonathan had caught me reading those books… would he have said anything to Ularon? He shrugged. It doesn’t matter, I suppose, because, first of all, he didn’t see me, and second, I’m allowed to read them… so why am I hiding them?/ He couldn’t rationalize his secrecy, but somehow he felt as though things would not go well for him if he was discovered. Shaking himself out of his reverie, he began to ready for his ride.


Ariel.of.Narnia: (chapter break) comments or continue?
Kristi: "oldest-appearing" sounds awkward. oldest looking would be fine.
Ariel.of.Narnia: Agreed.
Kristi: I wonder if freedom of religion clauses is a bit modern in terminology? A bit too American?
Kristi: Intriguing premise
Kristi: Bit of Prince Caspian there, but used differently
Ariel.of.Narnia: I'm curious about the size of the first book and how concise it is. I know when my Dad was a new Christian, he devoured Genesis and Exodus in a short amount of time, but it would have taken him longer than just an afternoon. Just putting that out there.
Kristi: Oh, that kind of book. Then maybe I see why he'd have grabbed them. I wonder what he grabbed and if he was confused by the order or anything
Ariel.of.Narnia: Well, I don't know if these books are their "Bible" or not. All she says is "history".
Kristi: ok
Kristi: Continue
Ariel.of.Narnia: Elias met Jonathan and Roald at the stables where they were just preparing to mount their horses. “Ah, Elias! There you are!” Roald called.
“Sire. I thought that I told Jonathan that I would be a few minutes.” Elias gave his friend a pointed look.
“I confess that he did, sire,” Jonathan replied with a twinkle in his eye.
Roald sighed and whispered, “Come on. Let’s get out of here quickly, before Ularon catches us sneaking away.”
“And by ‘us,’ you mean you.” Elias swiftly swung his leg over the side of his horse.
“Well, he does tend to give me more paperwork than he does you two.”
Jonathan shrugged. “True.” He glanced around to ensure that no one else was close enough to hear their conversation before leaning close to the other two boys. “Want to race once we’re out of sight?”
“Oh, yes,” Roald agreed with a mischievous grin on his face.
“Of course,” Elias echoed.
“And you two are not allowed to let me win, understood?”
“Perfectly,” the other two chorused. The three boys slowly and sedately guided their horses out of the courtyard of the castle, nodding to the gatekeeper as they did so. The instant the gate had closed behind them, however, Jonathan turned to his companions, a smile spreading across his face. “First one to the glade wins. On your mark…”
“Get set…” Roald continued.
“Go!” Elias shouted, digging his heels into his horse’s flanks. All three horses shot forward simultaneously. Whoops and laughter filled the air as Jonathan pulled ahead of his companions. “Oh, no, you don’t!” Elias called, spurring his mount onward.
Soon Roald had caught up with Jonathan, and the two were neck and neck. Elias pushed his horse forward as the boys entered the woods at the edge of the plain in which the castle was situated. A log lay in the road before them. Roald easily cleared it, but Jonathan’s horse shied when he should have made the jump. Elias seized the possibility and quickly passed Jonathan. “Hey!” his friend called as he was left in the dust.
“You’d have done the same!” Elias responded as he increased the distance between them. Roald rode just ahead of him. Suddenly, a rabbit jumped out of a bush directly in front of Roald. His horse reared. Elias effortlessly caught up with him, but Roald recovered in time to continue beside his friend. Both thundered into a clearing at the same time. They reined in their horses and walked them in a circle to cool them off.
“Good race, Elias,” the king congratulated.
“Same to you,” Elias replied. Jonathan rushed into the glade just then. “Glad you could join us,” Elias greeted him.
“Oh, hush. But you did do well.”
“Thanks.”
Roald dismounted and tied his horse to a nearby branch. His stomach growled loudly. “Did anyone pack anything to eat?”
Elias joined him on the ground. “I certainly didn’t.”
Jonathan sighed and slipped down. “I did, seeing as how we always seem to get hungry after any kind of race.”
“It is funny how that works.” Elias laughed.
“Indeed. Even when, like now, we didn’t exert ourselves in any way besides goading our horses onward,” Roald agreed, lounging on the green grass, his arms cushioning his head.
Jonathan withdrew and opened a package containing three thick sandwiches with ham and cheese piled high between each slice of bread. “Why am I always the one who thinks of these things?” He handed one to each of his friends.
“Because you’re the oldest and most responsible,” Elias countered. He bit into his sandwich. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. And just because you’re the youngest doesn’t mean you can’t be responsible.”
“Why should I be? I’ve got you to remind me.”
Roald snorted. “Exactly my point. Since you’re willing to be the responsible one, why should the two of us bother?”
Jonathan plopped down on the ground beside them. “You, Roald, really do need to be more responsible. I know my father has talked to you about that before.”
“Yes, yes, he has. I tend to ignore him.”
“He is right about one thing though; you are king. You should be accountable for what occurs in your kingdom.”
Roald cast a sideways glance at him. “Can we stop talking about that? There is a reason I like to get away every now and then.”
Elias nodded. “Yes, let’s pretend that we’re carefree children again. Perhaps without the insane stunts we used to perform, though.”
Roald chuckled. “Do you remember the time you hung on the top branch of a tree by your knees?”
“Because you suggested it! But yes, I remember. I also remember the branch shattering and me falling and breaking my arm.”
Jonathan smiled. “Remember the time we strung a rope across a raging river and Roald was the first to try to get to the other side?”
“It snapped and you had to dive in after him. Both of you caught pneumonia and we were all grounded. I really remember that one,” Elias replied.
The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon lying in the minimal amount of sunlight that the thick branches allowed to filter through them. Finally, as sunset drew near, they decided that they should probably return to the castle soon. Elias especially wanted to go back, because he needed to get some sleep before continuing to read the forbidden books.
As they began to leave, Elias heard hoof beats approaching them. “Someone’s coming!” he hissed, swiftly drawing his sword. The other two followed suit, with Elias and Jonathan pushing a protesting Roald behind them. The horse and rider finally appeared in front of them. “Well, at least you two have enough sense to protect your king.”
“We were just returning, Father,” Jonathan replied, his shoulders sagging in relief as he sheathed his sword.
“And whose idea was it to spend the entire day worrying the whole castle by disappearing?”
“It was mine, General.” Roald shoved his friends out of his way. “So don’t blame Jonathan or Elias. All they did was agree to come with me.”
“You should have known better than that, Sire. What if something had happened to the three of you? No one knew that you were gone, and once we found you missing, no one knew where you were. Thankfully, I knew where the three of you were likely hiding.”
“Father, we weren’t hiding!” Jonathan refuted. “We just wanted to spend some time together, and since you’ve been keeping Roald extremely busy lately, we had to sneak away, but I knew you would be able to guess where we were!”
“Still, all three of you could have been attacked by the Faithful and murdered! I will not tolerate disobedience in this matter any longer, from any of you!”
Elias sighed and mounted his horse. /The trip back to the castle just became longer./ As Ularon continued to berate all of them, he restated that thought. /Much longer. I wonder how long his speech will take and if he’ll let us go in time for me to get to bed earlier./
Since the general was too busy lecturing and the three boys were too busy listening, none of the four noticed the deep green eyes staring at them from within the bushes nor did they hear the soft shing and click of a sword returning to its sheath. The hidden figure slowly crept back into the deep woods.

Ariel.of.Narnia: The end
Kristi: Do the eyes accompany auburn hair?
Kristi: Because then they are evil, per Nina
Ariel.of.Narnia: *snickers*
Kristi: *doesn't recall giving Lenise green eyes...*
Kristi: So, 'grounded' feels a bit modern
Ariel.of.Narnia: Maybe Nina just has something against auburn hair
Ariel.of.Narnia: Definitely thought that too
Kristi: If the boys are wary enough to draw swords at a sound that could easily be dad, but not wary enough not to go alone, I worry about their consistency and understanding of the threat
Kristi: Nina has auburn hair
Ariel.of.Narnia: Forgot to mention this for the previous section, but it applies here too: I felt absolutely no tension at any point until that spark of mystery with that green-eyed watcher at the end
Kristi: Fair point
Kristi: Also the top branch of most trees can't hold weight
Kristi: at least have them worried about getting in trouble for sneaking out
Kristi: Or have the horse shie and nearly throw the kid
Ariel.of.Narnia: Besides the obvious tension opportunities of sneaking out and then being found by the general, tension can also be created in the race. That was where I was hoping to feel some, but it felt like a play-by-play of who was ahead rather than an in-the-moment immersion in the competitive moment, if that makes sense.
Kristi: Or have their be a real reason for them to get jumpy enough to draw their swords...some sounds before hand...nerves creeping up...louder noise OYMYGOSHWEREGONNADIE and draw their swords and...thank goodness, it's only dad...but wait! It wasn't.
Ariel.of.Narnia: *snickers*
Ariel.of.Narnia: That would definitely add tension to the end!
Kristi: Yeah, that's kinda what the fightings gods scene go like. "Then Hera hit Apollo. Apollo grabbed Aphrodite and swung her by her ankle. Apollo did a flip and..."
Kristi: I think that could really help the scene. She hints at it, she could just play it better.
Kristi: The animals might go quiet...though with boys it probably would anyway
Ariel.of.Narnia: If it helps, Jaygee, what Kristi just suggested works on me. First time I read Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo is being chased by Nazgul, then he makes it to Bree, then a dark figure jumped the gate after them. I stopped there for the night and couldn't sleep for an hour because I just /knew/ it was a Nazgul. Turned out it was Aragorn. :P
Kristi: Was it? I never thought that was Aragorn! :O
Ariel.of.Narnia: I'm pretty sure Aragorn said it was him... it's been a while
Ariel.of.Narnia: Though I was suspicious of Aragorn until the Knife in the Dark, so, him jumping the gate rather than a Nazgul did little to allay my fears about Frodo's health.
Kristi: Some corrupt man
Kristi: I'm gonna have to reread. Not convinced
Kristi: Haven't you read MN? Good guys use the gate!
Ariel.of.Narnia: You're making me question myself now. :/ (*snork* true)
Ariel.of.Narnia: Anyway, any further comments for Jaygee?
Kristi: Well maybe I'm wrong!
Kristi: Hmm, I don't think so. Promising premise. I think I approve
Ariel.of.Narnia: Okey-dokey! *copies all of the above for log*

[Kristi shared, removed by request]

Kristi: Ok, your turn!
Ariel.of.Narnia: Okay. The only background info you need is that this is WWII

~ Ariel.of.Narnia shares ~

Ariel.of.Narnia: /Broad green leaves whispered overhead, their movement causing the dots of yellow sunlight to dance across the laps of the other children and the Book in Mr. Graham’s hands. Charlie tugged a little at the tie Momma had secured around his neck for the occasion, then carefully clasped his hands behind his back and began to recite. “‘He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust.’”/
/A cloud forced the dancing sunlight away and the leaves’ chatter intensified. Great raindrops found their way through the canopy to sting his cheeks. The great tree cracked with a sound like thunder and – /
Charlie woke with a start. There was no tree to pin him down, no rain to soak him through, no leaves fluttering in the wind, no Sunday school class around him. But there was a cloud. An acrid, black plume that dissipated into the blanket of foul grey above. Another crack filled the air and a flaming comet landed only a few yards away before the resulting explosion pelted him with dirt. The sharp pattering that followed was drowned out a moment later by another thunderous clap. Reality set in and Charlie wished to goodness he’d woken up to a tree on his chest.
How long had he been out? Just a few seconds? A few minutes? Surely it could not have been a few hours. Charlie grimaced as a shot of pain commanded his full attention. He tried to raise himself to find the source, but his body refused to cooperate and ordered him to try something – anything – else. His left arm would not be persuaded to move more than a little, so he sent his right hand to investigate. His upper arm burned like fire when his hand brushed against it, but he forced himself to feel the area until he decided on a diagnosis of a broken bone. In a panic, he patted his face, chest, belly, and what he could reach of his legs without triggering another spasm of pain. His hand returned red, but he was too numb to remember where it might have come from. An attempt to sit up again threw him back down on the ashen earth, gasping and writhing.
Medic. He needed a medic. Where were the medics? For that matter, where was anyone? Would they hear him if he called out? He needed a medic. Would a medic come for him? Would another soldier take him? Where were the medics?
Another shell exploded to his right, though not close enough to rain down debris. What /was/ close to him on that side was a body. Charlie yelped and tried to scoot himself away, but he was already cornered by the walls of earth against which he lay. He screwed his eyes shut and turned his face away. /Oh, God…./ He retched, sending another wave of pain through him. His face was wet, though he didn’t remember tears welling up. /God… God, please get me out of here. Send a medic./
The only answer was the booming of shells. Charlie huddled up as much as his yet-unidentified wound allowed. He covered his ears and tried to return to his shaded Sunday school memory. “He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wing shalt thou trust –” He cringed as another shell screamed overhead. “Thou shalt not be afraid of for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day….”

Ariel.of.Narnia: And that's all I've got
Kristi: *munches popcorn*
Kristi: It's like the Early Adventures of Charles Montgomery Morton!
Ariel.of.Narnia: ?
Kristi: Hee. In EveningStar's Narnia stories, after the Pevensies disappear, there's a prophecy that the next king will fall from the sky and bear the mark of the crown.
Kristi: Charles Montgomery Morton of the RAF (eagle and crown symbol) has to bail out of his plane during an air strike
Kristi: lands in Narnia.
Kristi: I liked him.
Ariel.of.Narnia: Ahh
Kristi: Actually, I was thrown for a moment. Was completely my fault. I read what you said about WWII and then promptly forgot. So I went from "Wow, this little boy is really good at scripture, but maybe it's long ago like Tom Sawyer or whenever" and suddenly things were falling from the sky and I thought we'd hit the apocalypse. :/
Ariel.of.Narnia: lol
Kristi: So...not much to complain about...how complex would scripture memorization have been then? Probably that's reasonable...
Kristi: I liked your used of the word commanded
Ariel.of.Narnia: I may end up going with something easier than KJV, haven't decided yet.
I seriously have no idea what Sunday schools were like in the... '20s-30s. I'm honestly just guessing here. :P (I also don't know how old young!Charlie is, though he's probably not five )
Kristi: 'commanded his attention"
Ariel.of.Narnia: what'd you like about it?
Kristi: I sometimes thing I use the most common turns of phrase when there are better ways to say things, like that.
Ariel.of.Narnia: oh.
Ariel.of.Narnia: well, thank you
Kristi: You didn't just say "he could think of nothing but the pain in his leg"
Kristi: *nods*
Ariel.of.Narnia: So any comments on improvements? Tensions to build? Bits to clean up?
Kristi: Not much...
Kristi: You've got irony
Kristi: "Thou shalt not be afraid of for "
Kristi: Also...this guy was apparently pinned by a tree when he was young? I'm guessing readers will know what that's about?
Kristi: And why they're sitting outdoors for Sunday School on a rainy day?
Ariel.of.Narnia: *fixes the typo* thanks for that.
Ariel.of.Narnia: Oookay, I need to revisit the dream
Ariel.of.Narnia: The dream is supposed to be memory up until the storm and the tree falling. The latter part is supposed to be his transition to reality.
Kristi: Yeah, I think so
Kristi: I think that's all I have for you
Ariel.of.Narnia: Well, thanks for reading and offering your comments.
Ariel.of.Narnia: Maybe I'll have part two for next week? Maybe? Possibly? :P
Kristi: That would be fun
Ariel.of.Narnia: So I think that closes us up for the night. Writers' dismissed!


~ Writer's Group dismissed ~
Image
Thank you, Hobbit!
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