I'm kinda stuck on my fanfic The Lost Seed. This is the last passage I wrote last year before stopping to focus on my degree. I want to get back into it, but am struggling a little bit. Tenny's already given me some advice on this passage, but I thought I'd ask what other people think in the hopes it can get me going again.
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...Just then, they were interrupted by a cry on the other side of the river. They looked to see Scaltard standing there.
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“Susan! David! Hi!” shouted the tortoise from the other side.
“Scaltard!” answered Susan, “What are you doing over there?”
“We’ve found another route,” explained the tortoise. “Further upstream the river shallows to a ford. I crossed it easily with this chap on my back.” He indicated to the guinea-pig. “The land is much flatter this side as far as the ford. After that, it’s just as easy on your side. If you can get over here, it will make travelling much easier.”
Susan and David looked at one another. It made sense. But how would they get across the river?
“A bit further back,” remembered David then, “The river was quite shallow too. Below knee height I’d guess. If we went back there, Susan, Vixel and I could get across quite easily. I’m not so sure about Hedegar. It depends exactly how deep it is and how he’s feeling.”
“I wonder...” said Susan, “If there’s enough wood back at the campsite we could build him a raft and float him across.”
David considered this. “There is a good deal of twigs, of the sort we used for firewood. But they’re a bit thin for raft planks. The river is flowing fairly fast, but since it’s not very wide we might succeed.”
“We just need something sufficient to carry him on - like a stretcher. If we made a kind of lattice-work frame, would it float?” added Susan.
“Come! Let’s go see how deep and wide the river is there. Then we’ll head back to see what kind of wood we have.”
It seemed the river would be too deep for Hedegar to cross in his current condition (if he was feeling better, he could have swum. At the campsite, they found four thick, sturdy branches to form a frame, to which they attached smaller branches at gapped intervals, forming a criss-cross lattice-work like Susan suggested. It took longer to make than it would have, as David had to slice off each of the the thorns protruding from the branches, but at last the task was over.
They used string from one of the fishing rods to tie the branches together. It was made from an odd substance, strong like rope, but thin. It seemed to be from some natural source but none of those present could identify what it was. It was still a curiosity that anyone had ever made fishing rods in this place. David was sorry to dismantle the rod, as there were only two, but Vixel said she preferred fishing by paw anyway. They used the wooden pole as a diagonal brace across the structure to give it strength and buoyancy.
While the frame would not easily hold Hedegar’s weight were they to try carrying him on it by land, they felt it would be sufficient floating on water. It would not prevent the hedgehog from getting wet during the crossing, but was enough to get him across. And that was all they needed. At last, as the sun began to descend on its downward course, the four companions made their way down to the river crossing.
The river bank here was rocky, as it had been where Scaltard met Susan and David earlier that day, and there was a rocky outcrop only a little higher than the water level. Susan and David - their trousers rolled up as far as possible - climbed into the river which came up (a little higher than David suspected) to just over their knees. Standing on either side of the frame, which had been lowered into the water already and was held fast by Vixel, they each took a side firmly. Vixel helped Hedegar on. He would have preferred to stand upright - and keep his injured stomach away from the water, but to spread out his weight; he had to lie down on all-fours.
As soon as he was on, the humans pushed the “raft” away from the river bank and started across the river. They had decided there was no point in resisting the current all the way and so made for the opposite bank in a diagonal line. Vixel stepped into the river after them. It came up almost to her shoulders but she was able to guide the raft from behind with her mouth. In all, the crossing only took about a minute.
As they neared the bank on the far side, the river became shallower. At this point, it was curving slightly inwards and as a result was silted up a little on this side. They were able to beach Hedegar’s raft and step out of the river with no great difficulty. The hedgehog stumbled off and up to drier ground as quickly possible. Susan immediately got her blanket out of her backpack and dried him off as best she could. The wound on his stomach was hurting again from the cold water. She took of the plaster, which was hardly still holding anyway, and replaced it with a new one.
Scaltard came over and greeted them excitedly. The guinea-pig too was unable to conceal his delight at being reunited with his friends. They set up camp in a slightly sparser section of bush to that they had had on the other side of the river.
While David and Vixel performed their fishing duty, Susan went off to find some plants with Scaltard and the guinea-pig kept the resting Hedegar company. Scaltard showed Susan some edible roots vaguely resembling swede and some leafy plants. Using these, she was able to make a surprisingly tasty, if thin, soup, which complemented David’s roasted fish quite nicely. They all went to bed early, satisfied with the day’s work and happy to be together again. Tomorrow the adventure would continue.
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
Yay!! You've written some more! I'm really glad you found the time to add to the story. 😀 I can't wait to see where this quest ends up!
Any advice?... Well, I feel like the story's being bogged down a bit because of all the technical details of how they crossed the stream. Finding a place to cross, deciding what type of wood and what design to use for a raft, and then building raft... it gets a bit much. Does that help some?
Well, I actually wrote this last year, I just never posted it on my blog 😛 You've basically said the same thing as Tenny, and I think you're right. It's been long enough since I wrote it that I can see it doesn't really carry the story. I might end up cutting it completely so they just make a simple crossing (making the river shallower or something) and get on with the story. My real problem is the "get on with the story" part. 😉
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
I've been debating whether or not to post this for a couple days, and have decided to go ahead. This passage is one I wrote a long time ago (really a long time ago - as in before I went to Oxford, so something like July 2011).
I think this is the right place to put this scene, but the problem is how to fit it into the story. The intro with the meerkat (or some variation thereof) is necessary for context, but his presence needs a reason. I always had the idea that they'd be lost or needed some kind of help.
One idea I've had was to scrap the bit with Scaltard coming back and the river crossing and maybe the Meerkat is helping them 'cause Scaltard is lost, but I can't really figure out how to make that work. Ideas would be appreciated.
Oh, and: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." *steels self for the backlash*
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Sometime later...
There was silence for a while. Susan had no idea whether they should trust this creature or not. At last David spoke up. “I trust him. He seems like an honest meerkat. I think he will help us. David bent down so he was at eye-level with the creature and told him they would meet him there the following morning so he could act as their guide. They bade the creature farewell and found a sheltered area to set up camp for the night.
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“David,” said Susan as they rested on the ledge near the camp site. The fire crackled. He turned to her and smiled, breaking some personal reverie. Why was he always like that? The way he turned his attention to people when they spoke made them feel like they were the most important person at that moment.
“How do you do that?” she continued.
“Do what?” he returned.
“Make decisions...on whom you can and can't trust?” she answered, trying to find the right words to express what she was thinking.
David frowned, “You mean with the meerkat? How did I decide he could be trusted? He seemed like a decent fellow and his story made sense. I was just going by what instinct told me. I could be wrong.”
“Yes,” answered Susan, still focussed on his question, “I mean...no. That is what I meant, but more generally. How does your instinct know when someone is telling the truth or not? It's...like you have a gift for knowing what you should and shouldn't believe. I wish I could have your confidence in judging people.”
“I'm not so sure about that,” he laughed, “I've made a few major errors of judgement in my life.”
He looked at Susan again, and realised that there was more to her question. Something was bothering her. He had a feeling he knew where this might be going. If he was right, he'd have to make a decision – a decision his instinct wouldn't be quite so helpful with. Dare he tell her the truth or should he hold back a little longer? An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach. He wouldn't be able to put it off much longer.
He liked the way Susan looked up to him, it made him feel good. He really didn't want to diminish her opinion of him. Those beautiful innocent eyes (innocent yet scarred with pain) looked up at him with a sense of awe and admiration that he treasured. He kept telling himself that it was for her own well-being that he'd not been honest with her much sooner. But he knew it was really his own selfishness and pride.
Susan spoke up again, finally finding the words she sought. “David, why did you believe me? That evening, at Margaret's house, when I told you about the rings and Narnia? Why didn't you laugh at me like Margaret did? How could you simply accept what I said without question? You had no logical reason to believe me.”
Ever since that first meeting with the animals by the old thorn tree (and if she was honest long before that) Susan had been wrestling with questions about belief and trust. But she realised as she was speaking that she had another motive for questioning him. She could think of only one possible answer to her questions. She felt her cheeks grow hot in the firelight. Surely that was the same reason David had come here after her when she'd asked him not to; the same thing she saw in his eyes when he looked at her. It was selfish, she knew, but she wanted to hear him say the words. More than she'd wanted to hear them from any other man; in Narnia or her world.
“Susan,” said David solemnly, “There is something I need to tell you.” Her heart beat faster, as she listened expectantly.
“I haven't been completely honest with you.” She frowned. Not exactly what she was expecting, but she continued to listen.
“You asked me about how I could trust you, but you are giving me far more credit than I deserve. In truth, you were more trusting than I was that evening. You dared to tell me the truth; despite the fact that I probably wouldn't believe you; despite the way you had been treated by the last person you told. You took the risk and shared with me things you weren't even sure you believed yourself. I should be asking why you trusted me.”
“But,” began Susan, recovering from her initial disappointment (at least he was flattering her; that was a start), “But the fact remains that you had no reason to believe my story. I had the hope that you would humour me and pretend. But I knew from the start that you weren't pretending. What serious person believes in rumours of other worlds reached through magic? It would have made more sense for you to think I was insane. Instead, you believed me.”
David allowed a few moments of silence before replying. He knew now that he had to tell her the truth, even if she hated him for it, if she refused to believe him or never wanted to speak to him again. He really didn't want to alienate her, of all girls, but he knew that it was dishonest to make her think he had believed her simply for her own sake.
“Susan,” he said with his eyes lowered, “It is easy to believe an unusual story when you have heard the same tale before. The reason I believed you so easily is that you were not the first person to tell me about other worlds as though they were real; as though you could actually travel to them. I'm afraid you were wrong about me. I believed your story only because it was not new to me. I was the one who didn't trust you. Not enough to tell you that. I'm sorry.”
He hung his head with a dejected sense of shame. It was the first time Susan had ever seen him like that. Mixed emotions welled up inside her. She had no idea where this was going and it scared her. She wanted him to explain further. He owed her that at least.
“David, what do you mean when you say you'd heard talk of other worlds before? Do you know someone else who travelled to another world? You...you don't mean to say you've been to another world yourself?”
David slowly lifted his head, “Oh no Susan, it’s nothing so concrete as that. When I speak of having heard such stories before I just mean that I had heard stories. My mother used to tell me tales of worlds which could be travelled to, and of an in-between place from which all worlds could be reached, from the time I was born.”
“Okay,” said Susan, mystified, “It's not uncommon for parents to tell such stories to their young children. But they stop when the child is old enough to realise that they are just stories.”
“Except,” answered David, his voice serious, “these weren't told as stories and she never stopped telling them. They were told to us as fact, as history, as part of the family heritage passed on through generations. Susan, did the Professor ever tell you where his uncle got the rings from?”
“I think he said he made them himself,” she answered, puzzled.
“Do you know how he made them,” he prompted further.
Susan thought for a while, she wasn't sure she'd ever been told that. “Wait...I do remember; apparently he made them from dust. They had something to do with a box of dust he'd inherited from his God-mother. I believe the crazy man thought it had come from Atlantis!” Susan laughed.
David looked at her but didn't laugh, didn't allow even the faintest hint of a smile. At last he spoke. “Susan, he was telling the truth. The box did come from Atlantis. As did the tales my mother told me of worlds and worlds between worlds.”
Susan studied David's expression. Was he playing with her? Was he teasing her? Why had he really come after her? And if he'd wanted to make fun of her, why wait till now?
“What exactly do you mean,” she asked with an unsteady voice. He replied confidently, “Atlantis was a real place, Susan. As real as Narnia or this world or our world. The reason I believed what you told me that night was that I had heard tales of a time when travel between the worlds was far more common.”
“And how,” asked Susan, with conflicting emotions rising “How exactly did your mother come by these tales, and believe them as true long after the rest of the world had forgotten about them?”
“I've already told you,” answered David, “They were part of our family heritage. My mother was descended from the Atlanteans. I am descended from Atlanteans. I've dreamed my whole life of recovering the secret of world travel. And now I have found it.” He carefully took the green ring which he had got from the guinea-pig out of his right-hand pocket and held it up with a glint in his eyes.
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
Whoa.... This is a game-changer. That glint in his eyes. Totally changes everything.
I currently have no suggestions for how this could fit into the story, sorry. If I come up with something, I'll tell you.
Ajjie, maybe this meerkat knows of a better way across the water than a raft? I'm not sure how you could fit it in well, there are possible plot holes, but maybe it's a way that's only safe in the day and it's already evening?
I couldn't sleep the other night, so I came up with a few ideas. Most of them relate to stuff that happens later, but I've got a bit of an idea as to how to fit this scene in. I'm going to cut the river-crossing scene (as it is, at least) and instead Scaltard and GP get kidnapped and never return from exploring. So now the others have to find their way to the next clue on their own. There are a couple of problems with this, though. How do the others know they've been kidnapped? Why would they have reason not to trust the meerkat?
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Edit: I've written something to move the story along now, but I'm still kinda stuck. I decided the guinea pig will escape the kidnapping. Now I just need to find a way to make him communicate that Scaltard has been kidnapped and a reason for the meerkat to arrive and for them to doubt him 😉
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*-*-*-*
The two of them [Susan and David] sat together in silence for a little while longer, before going back to join their companions. The four of them sat together for the rest of the afternoon, talking about this and that – how much further it was to the pass; what they expected to find there; what they hoped to do when and if they found the breaknut. Time passed, and there was still no sign of Scaltard. They had expected him to return before evening, but, as the sun began to go down, he still did not come.
“We should never have sent him on his own,” worried Hedegar.
“Scaltard can take care of himself,” comforted Vixel, though there was a hint of worry in her voice, “He’s done so for many years.”
“Besides,” added David, “We did not send him on his own. He has the guinea pig. That creature might be small and not able to talk, but he is a clever none-the-less.”
“Hmm,” mused Susan, “I wonder how he got to be like that? He was, after all, a simple unintelligent animal from our world. Makes you wonder what properties the Wood-Between-the-Worlds must have to have changed him like it has?”
“Yes,” mused David, “When I was there, the wood made me feel sleepy, and I almost forgot who I was or why I was there, but it’s as though it had the opposite effect on him…like it woke him up.”
“Whatever are you two going on about?” cut in Vixel.
Susan explained to Vixel and Hedegar them about the rings and the Wood Between the Worlds. She also told them more about her family’s adventures in Narnia. After her cry earlier in the day, she found it comfortable talking about her family and reliving some of their happy memories together.
Breaking only to prepare dinner, they spent the rest of the evening in the glow of the campfire as Susan recounted those glorious days of what seemed to her a different life time. She received a good deal of teasing and abuse from Hedegar and Vixel over the story of Prince Rabadash of Calormen, whom she had almost agreed to marry. David said nothing throughout this tale, but kept his eyes on her the whole time with an almost indiscernible smirk of bemusement on his face. Susan secretly wished she knew what he was thinking, but said nothing and moved quickly on to the tale of the hunting of the white stag.
Though still worried about Scaltard, they all slept well that night, filled with the wonder of Susan’s tales in that far off world.
*-*-*-*
The next morning, there was still no sign of the tortoise and his companion and they began to debate what should be done. David was all for going off to search for him but Susan was worried about separating the group any further and Hedegar was still not healed enough to be lifted up the ledge. Besides, they wouldn’t know where to start looking. It seemed most prudent to stay where they were so the tortoise could find them again. That was assuming, of course, no harm had come to him.
They were no closer to a decision about what to do when they heard a wheeking noise coming from the direction of the ledge. David ran over to see what it was, and found the guinea pig standing there. Alone.
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
Okay, I've finally come up with something. Not entirely happy with it, but here it is. Comments appreciated.
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...
They were no closer to a decision about what to do when they heard a wheeking noise coming from the direction of the ledge. David ran over to see what it was, and found the guinea pig standing there. Alone.
Susan ran up after him, and they watched as the guinea pig stood on top of the ledge, squealing with excitement. When David asked where Scaltard was, the squeals got louder and slightly frantic. He gesticulated wildly with his paws, but neither of them could make any sense of his explanation. He kept pointing his left front paw in the direction he had come from, then ran out of sight from the ledge top, before returning with more pointing and squealing and running off.
“I think he wants us to follow him,” suggested David. Susan nodded. “I’ll go and see what he has to show us. Maybe Scaltard is hurt.
“I’m coming with you,” insisted Susan, still reluctant to split the group or let anyone go off on their own. “Vixel can stay with Hedegar.” David was inclined to protest, but thought better of it.
Susan ran off to tell Vixel and Hedegar what had happened and to get her backpack with the first aid kit and other supplies. She came back and she and David scrambled up the ledge, Susan going first this time. As soon as they were up, the guinea pig began running off again and they followed.
It was slow going with such a small animal, and they hoped it wasn’t far. It might have made more sense for one of them to carry him, but then they wouldn’t know which direction to travel in. The ground here was still pretty rough and after about half an hour, travelling in this way, the guinea pig stopped for a rest.
While they were sitting on some boulders in the shade of a thorn tree, they suddenly heard a rustling noise coming from a nearby bush. Susan and David both froze, having not forgotten the incident with the snake. They sat in silence for what seemed like an age, and there were no further noises. They began to relax, and at last David dared to say in a lowered voice, “We should probably move on from here.”
They stood up cautiously and began to gather up their things when there was a further rustle from the direction of the bush. It was a silly thing to do, but something compelled David to call out, “Who’s there? Come on out!”
There was silence again, but at last, moving slowly and furtively, out came a small thin creature that looked something like a weasel, but was lighter coloured and slimmer. It reminded Susan of the creature called a meerkat that she had once seen a picture of in a book on exotic animals.
Nervously, it made its way over to them. “Can you speak?” asked David.
It appeared there would be no answer, but at last it squeaked out a frightened “Yes, who are you?”
“I’m David, and this is Susan,” the former answered, “We are looking for a friend whom we think is in trouble. A tortoise, have you seen him?”
The creature shifted his eyes uncertainly, before lowering them. “Maybe,” he answered.
“Maybe?” cried Susan, “What does that mean? Have you or have you not seen our friend.”
It took some coaxing, but at last it came out that the meerkat had witnessed an altercation between a tortoise and a hare and lizard. At first they had greeted one another in a friendly manner, but then the latter two creatures had started to get rough. A brief scuffle ensued in which the hare and lizard came out on top. The last thing he had seen was them leading the tortoise away.
The meerkat had apparently been too far away to hear anything that was said, although something in the way he spoke led Susan to suspect he was not telling them everything. It seemed obvious that the creatures that Scaltard had encountered were none other than Loopel and Akadis, though what they had kidnapped Scaltard for she could not guess.
The meerkat offered to lead them to the place it had happened, but learning it was quite a distance, they decided it was better that they return first to Vixel and Hedegar and discuss a plan of action. The return trip was much quicker, as they could carry the guinea pig.
Vixel was shocked by the news of what had happened, but Hedegar simply shook his head as though he had suspected that those two creatures were up to something. In the process of the conversation, it came out that the meerkat did remember having overheard some snatches of dialogue between Loopel and Akadis and Scaltard. They said something about a clue, and a pass and that the tortoise should lead them to it.
“It seems to me,” suggested Hedegar, “that for some inexplicable reason, they want to find the seed for themselves and have kidnapped Scaltard to show them the way to the next clue.”
“At least we know where to find them,” encouraged Vixel. “Now if only we can find a way to the pass. Scaltard was our best guide, and we still have no way of getting past the ledge.”
“I can show you a way,” offered the meerkat, almost out of the blue. “You want to get to the Phairdayle pass, do you not?” The companions looked at one another quizzically. None of them had specifically said this was the pass they were aiming for, though it was not difficult to guess.
“It means crossing the river, but there is an easy ford not far downstream and another easy crossing further up, but the land on that side is much easier.”
While the meerkat went down to the river to wash and drink (it had been a long day of travelling for him), the four companions discussed their options.
“Do you think we can trust him,” asked Susan. She had been unsure of him since the beginning. His initial nervousness and reluctance to tell them things gave her an uneasy feeling.
“Why ever not?” asked David, surprised. “He told us where Scaltard is being taken and has offered to show us the way.”
“Susan does have a point,” put in Hedegar. “There is something about him. We should consider the possibility he is working for those two… and was sent to put us off the trail.”
“His story makes sense to me,” put in Vixel, “If they are after the seed, taking Scaltard to the location of the next clue is most logical. I say we accept his help.”
“I don’t know,” sighed Susan, “Why was he so nervous?”
“Think of what he’d seen,” suggested David, “Wouldn’t you be scared? Here he is travelling in an uninhabited part of the country, and he suddenly witnesses a tussle and a kidnapping. And then he meets us. How was he to know whose side we were on?”
“I suppose you’re right,” Susan conceded. “Seeing two humans in the middle of nowhere would enough to frighten any creature. Most of our friends didn’t even trust you or me at first. So, shall we let him lead us?”
“If the rest of you trust him, I do,” voted Vixel.
“I say we be wary,” put in Hedegar, “But as dear Susan once pointed out, having to trust people we don’t know and take risks is an expected part of any adventure. Let’s follow him, but be on guard.”
“He seems to me like an honest meerkat, I trust him,” added David.
“Okay. I’m with Hedegar, but it seems like our best option,” concluded Susan.
The ford was not far downstream and was wide, shallow and stony. The creatures all made it across with just a few wet paws. Susan and David removed their socks and shoes and rolled up their trouser legs.
The meerkat was right about the terrain on the other side being much easier, and they made good progress during the few hours of the afternoon that remained. They set up camp in a bushy area a sensible distance from the river and prepared dinner. They estimated that by that time the next day, they would have reached the pass.
*-*-*-*
“David,” said Susan, making her way down to where he sat on a rock overlooking the river from which he was watching the sunset. He turned to her and smiled, breaking some personal reverie. Why was he always like that? The way he turned his attention to people when they spoke made them feel like they were the most important person at that moment.
“It seems you were right about the meerkat,” she ventured, “At least he hasn’t led us into any traps thus far.”
She sat down on the rock next to him, and shielded her face with her hand against the sun’s brightness.” Watching her, he smiled and gave just a simple nod.
They sat in silence for a while.
“How do you do that?” she continued, at last.
“Do what?” he returned.....
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(and then it goes into the bit I posted a couple days ago)
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
I've put up my NaNoWriMo contributions to the story on The Lost Seed blog:
http://hedgepickle-susan.blogspot.com/2013/11/nanowrimo-day-1.html
Because they are bitty, some sections need editing, and I skip ahead to a later point in the story at one place, I've labelled them differently to the chapters I wrote before. If you start with the link above ("Day 1") you can read the sections in order by clicking "newer post" at the bottom each page or using the archive navigation on the top right. I know the general order of posts in the blog is rather messed up. I'll fix it when I've figured out the best way to do so. Enjoy!!!
ps. Comments appreciated, especially as some sections are still very rough. You can comment on the blog, in this thread or by PM.
Once a daughter of Eve. Now a daughter of the Second Adam.
