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The Story of Charn

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(@albero1)
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Joined: 12 years ago
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Here's a little fanfic I wrote about Charn:

Nefer sat anxiously on the windowsill, wondering if a soldier would come to his door. Lately, most of his friends had gotten one of these unwelcome guests. They were soldiers either for Princess Jadis or Princess Kadin, both of whom were anxiously refilling their armies because of the raging battle. He noticed a soldier going to his neighbor’s door. The soldier had Jadis’ crest on his helmet. “Nefer,” he suddenly heard a small voice say, “Why do you look so worried?” He turned around saw his seven year old sister, Masum.
“Well,” he answered, not sure if her tender years would understand, “I’m worried that I’ll be called to one of the armies.”
“Whose armies?”
“Jadis’ or Kadin’s.”
“Oh. Would you ever come back?” Her hazel eyes were full of worry and concern.
“Only if I’m not killed,” he said. “-If I even have to join,” he added quickly when he saw the look on her face.
“Okay,” she said with a sigh, sitting down next to him. “Why are they gathering armies?” she suddenly asked.
“Well, there’s this fight going on. Both of the princesses want the throne. Even though she’s younger, the last king had decided that Kadin would rule, because he thought Jadis would not be a wise ruler. Jadis, on the other hand, felt differently. She was very angry when she realized that she would not get the throne. So, she attacked Kadin. Both of them have been trying to build up their armies ever since. In fact, there’s been a battle going on for three days here in the city.”
“How many battles have there been?”
“Many. The war has been going on for almost a year.” He suddenly remembered something. “We should go to the temple. It’s always least crowded this time of day. I have a chicken we can sacrifice. Maybe then the gods will keep me from having to go to war.”
“I don’t like the temple.”
“Why not?”
“I just- well… I get the feeling we’re doing something wrong. As in, we’re… we’re… sacrificing to the wrong gods…” She said the last sentence even quieter than a whisper.
“I kind of feel the same way, too,” Nefer admitted. He had always felt a little wrong about worshiping Buyu, god of magic, Savas, god of war, and the ruler. “We won’t go,” he said. “Not for the rest of our lives!”
“Thank you, Nefer. Hey- what’s that?” she pointed out the window to a large crowd.
“Let’s go see,” Nefer said. They went out the door and melted into the crowd. As they walked with the crowd, they talked about their newfound rejection of faith. They decided that there was a God, and that they should worship Him. They also decided to simply pray to this new God that he would reveal himself to them. “God,” Nefer started, still clasping his sister’s hand tightly, “please reveal your name to us, so that we might worship you better.” They went along for a small while, when Nefer suddenly whispered, “Aslan.”
“What?” Masum asked.
“It just came into my head. I think it’s the true God’s name.”
“Aslan,” the girl whispered. “I like it. It sounds much better than Buyu.”
“Agreed,” Nefer said. The crowd had reached its destination by now. He gasped. Kadis and her army were going up the steps from the city to the terrace. “Aslan, keep us safe,” he whispered. Kadis was now face-to-face with Jadis. They both said something that he couldn’t hear, when suddenly, Jadis uttered the most horrible-sounding word he had ever heard. A moment later, Charn had disappeared. Nefer and Masum were now standing in a beautiful, grassy meadow with some fruit trees scattered throughout. He saw a large, beautiful, tawny-colored lion a few paces away. He and Masum walked over to it. He didn’t feel afraid, and Masum certainly didn’t look afraid. Her face was an expression of pure joy, and her light brown hair was blowing in a light breeze. Everything was perfect. They were in front of the lion now.
“My children,” the lion said.
Suddenly, Masum exclaimed “Aslan!” and buried her face in his mane.
“Child,” the Aslan said again.
“I knew you were real!”
Nefer smiled, but suddenly, a thought came to him. “Where is everyone else?”
“They did not believe in me, therefore they shall not take part in my kingdom. You, my children, were the only ones in all of Charn who believed in me. Now,” he announced, his voice getting much less grave and far more merry, “you may go anywhere and do anything. You may eat of any tree, and drink of any stream!”
Nefer took Masum’s hand again, and together, they went to explore their true home.
THE END.

(thanks to Ariel for letting me use her ideas about Charn's religion 🙂 )

Give me your thoughts on the story. 😀


   
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 Lil
(@lil)
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Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 415
 

This is pretty cool! Thanks for sharing with us!


   
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(@albero1)
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Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 1028
Topic starter  

:*) Thanks, Lil. 🙂


   
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(@ariel-of-narnia)
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Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 11695
 

I like how you cut suddenly from the Deplorable Word to Aslan's Country. It's just as sudden as the effects of the Deplorable Word and thus well-done. And, obviously, I liked that Nefer and Masum found Aslan in time. 🙂
My main criticism is that I'd think Masum would know about the war. She might not understand much, but she'd sure know about because it'd affect her life. And she'd especially know it was going on within the city.
The transition from the false gods to the One God seemed a bit odd, particularly when they started talking about it in the street (which they shouldn't be able to do with the battle in the city and especially with how close they were to the sisters' final confrontation).
And then the last criticism I have is just a little nitpick: Jadis' sister's name is Kadin in the first part of the story and then Kadis in the last. 🙂
The idea of this wee fic, though, was still good. 😀


   
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(@albero1)
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Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 1028
Topic starter  

@Ariel: I agree with you on the fact that Masum should know about the war. It was the only way I could think of to introduce the war. 😛 Thanks for your critiques. 😀


   
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(@elanorelle)
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Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 3999
 

I like how you showed the point of view of the ordinary people of Charn since we are never able to see that. What I liked best was how Ariel said, they suddenly found themselves in Aslan's Country after hearing the Deplorable word being uttered. 🙂


   
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(@albero1)
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Joined: 12 years ago
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*is blushing* 😀


   
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