Character Interviews – Writing Contest #30

Write an interview with a character from the Chronicles of Narnia. The interview should include at least five questions. Bonus points for humorous entries. All or part of your entry may appear in future audio dramatizations or podcasts from The Lion’s Call.

Interviewer: We’re here today with the Tarkheena Lasaraleen. Lasaraleen, thank you for being here today. Lasaraleen: simply delighted, darling. Q: Lasaraleen, can you tell us what prompted you to aid the Tarkheena Aravis in her escape from Tashbaan? A: (Dramatic sigh) Ah, Aravis. No sense at all that girl. But we WERE friends, you know, and she bullied me a bit, and I’ve never been very good at standing up to that sort of pressure, you know. At best I end up crying, and you know what that does for the complexion…no, I thought it better to aid her in her folly. Q: How did that turn out? A: Well, I’d given her up for lost in the desert, frankly. Running away with a common little boy like that. Honestly! And even if he didn’t decide to rob her blind and leave her to be eaten by vultures, the odds of getting across that desert…and then the awful stories of wild beasts in northern lands. I really didn’t expect to hear from her again. But you know, I received a letter recently announcing her impending nuptials. Turns out that nasty little boy was a prince of some sort. Only in a small northern kingdom, of course, not quite the same as a Gran Vizier. Still, it doesn’t sound like she’ll have to make her own cheese, or whatever it is that common folk do. Q: What do you consider to be your greatest achievement? A: My marriage, obviously. Such a good match, and the gown I wore on my wedding day. Seven flouces, you should have seen… Q: Um, yes…and are there any causes you’re devoted to? The fight against Breast Cancer? Animal Rights? A: I’m very devoted to my monkey. A gift from my husband. Q: I see…and what would you consider to be your most important goals for the future? A: I want to become the toast of Tashbaan and start my own line of beauty products. Interviewer: Very good. Thank you for being ehre with us today. Lasaraleen: Any time, darling. Any time.

Honorable Mentions

Is oil worth what you pay? by Hermit of the Northern March
Diane: “Hello this is Diane from Tashbaan Brodcasting Company with Rabadash the Peacemaker and his servant the Vizier! Tell us, Rabadash, what are you doing now?”
Rabadash: “Currently I am playing Rabadash on his valiant conquest in ‘Pirates of Calormen’.”
Diane: “And where is this film being shot?”
Rabadash: “Two miles east on the great river.”
Diane: “Tell us, Rabadash, has last years autumn feast changed your current position on the Narnian lands?”
Vizier: “Oh my mistress, has not one of the poets said, “Ask not foolish questions of the knowledgeable who will become thy Tisroc,’ may he eventually live forever.”
Rabadash: “Do not quote the poets to me! I will answer her question. No, I may be content for right now to leave the barbarian queen where she be. Yet, in time she will realize I am her true love and come to me, ha, I will have her, I must get her, and I won’t die when I get her! May I live forever!”
Diane: “May you live forever, is it not true, though, that if you ever go ten miles from the city you will turn into a donkey?”
Rabadash: “Of course not, I never was a donkey it was all just a costume to trick the barbarians into taking me back to Tashbaan.”
Diane: “Then did Calormen win the war.”
Rabadash: “Yes, it did, we then realized how unprofitable the country was and we decided to leave.”
Diane: “Very interesting, then why did you need shipping back to Tasbaan?”
Vizier: “Do not trouble the Prince with worthless questions.”
Diane: “What is your opinion on Middle East oil?”
Rabadash: “Oil? We have that by the ton. In fact the only thing we’ve found that it’s good for is imitation butter, which barbarians love on their bread, yuck.”
Diane: “Does the Tisroc, may he live forever, treat you like a boy or an apprentice?”
Rabadash: “That is only known among the ‘palace people'”
Diane: “And finally, did you really get stuck on a hook when yelling, ‘The bolt of Trash falls from above?”
Rabadash: “No, no, no, I am not a codfish, and I did not get stuck on a hook, much less one of a captains. Besides, everyone knows it’s ‘The bolt of TASH falls from above. Get out of here you crazy reporters do not know anything!” (Diane runs out door, but she still left the hidden camera with the sattelite broadcasting dish.)
Rabadash: “Does anyone know of our interview?”
Vizier: “No, they do not. ‘She who attepmts to decieve the judicious…,never mind.”
The End

An interview @ Harfang by Luthien
Q. “After making sure that I did not come during the Autumn Feast, I ,the most famous interviewer for channal NARNNEWS, have obtained an interview with the Queen of the Gentle Giants!” (Applause.) “Now Queen, I hear that after your role in the BBC Silver Chair, you made a public announcement that your people would be designing a new Cook Book in order to avoid bad publicity. Is that true?”
A. “It is true that we did change up our world-famous Cook Book but it was not for that cause.”
Q. “Then what was the reason?”
A. “We needed more strength-building foods. Have you any idea how heavy this crown is?”
Q. “Well, no, I don’t, but I can imagine that that two-foot-tall crown is pretty heavy. Did you take the man-pie and Marshwiggle receipes out?”
A. “Yes, as a matter of fact we did, but only because it was the poitically correct thing to do.”
Q. “Would you mind telling these good people what they were replaced with?”
A. “Well, we do have a lovely receipe for frog legs and an astounding one for gingerbread-man pie. Not exactly the same thing, but close enough to it to appeal to a giant’s delicate taste.”
Q. “I see, do you have a hard time keeping this big castle clean?”
A. “No, my servants do it for me. Speaking of cleaning, I need to go see how they are doing right now.”
Interviewer. “Thank you for your time, Giant Queen of Harfang. It has been a pleasure to meet you.”
Giant Queen. “The pleasure is mine.”
Interveiwer. “This is I, the most famous interviewer for NARNNEWS. Thank you for watching everyone, and goodbye.”

An Enterveiw of Edmund by Clodsley Shovel
Interveiwer: Hello, I am Clodsley Shovel,reporting live at Lantern Waste with Son of Adam Edmund Pevensie, who has just entered the land of Narnia. Ed, how does it feel?
Edmund: I really don’t care. Sure, I’ll have to tell Su and Peter, and yes, Lucy’ll be happy.
Q: Who did you first meet here in Narnia?
Ed: Uh, um, that’s for me to know and you not to know.
Q: Where is your sister?
Ed: How am I supposed to know? Why are you asking me all these hard questions?
Q:What do you think will happen to Narnia in the future?
Ed: Well this queen said that I will be prince and king when she is gone and I will rule over my brothers and sisters.
Q: What were you doing when you first stepped into Narnia?
Ed: Well, I was following my sister into this wardrobe in the Spare Room and suddenly this pine branch (at first I thought they were fingers)brushed against me and I fell into snow (it was really cold) and saw this lampost. Then this sleigh came up and this queen asked me why I dared enter her dominion-and, and then she drove away.
Q: interesting. Now-
Ed: Hey look there’s my sister.
Lucy: Wow, Edmund, youre on TV with a mole!
Ed: Uh,um, that’s it for now, Clodsley Shovel or whatever your name is.

and the winner

A particularly loud and frightening to the ears in by Hermit of the Northern March
Reporter: “This Andrea and I am standing here with the most vicious Maugrim who was put in the pound. Maugrim, what have you to say?”
Maugrim: “That if I am adopted you will not have to worry about feeding me as will run away and join my faithful band of fan wolves which will then proceed to take over the world ourselves now that my awful mistress is dead.”
Reporter: “What did you think of Jadis.”
Maugrim: “Well, she did always give me supper and made me captain of the secret police, but she had certain faults such as me sitting in her throne and eating one to many dwarves.”
Reporter: “Oh, I see, well all I can say is that I am glad you are behind bars.”
Maugrim: “Grrrrrrrrrr…”
Reporter: “What was your early puppyhood like?”
Maugrim: “I was the boss. At the witch’s public indoctrination center I did quite well at forcing the instructors to fear me. There was also the time I took the witch’s sledge for a ride and crashed in an enbankment after playing rock statue music too loud. I tell you talking trees are worse at gossip than you would think!”
Reporter: “What happened the you afer the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe movie came out?”
Maugrim: “That was awful. People were following me around saying ‘nice doggie’ there was even a man in a green space costume who kept yelling, ‘You think you’re a king? well you’re going to die like a frog!’I could never figure out who he was talkiing to. Andrew was going to let me act my part but I wanted to bite his hand to many times and he wouldn’t take me up on my offer.”
Reporter: “This is very interesting. Do you use styling gell on your fur?”
Maugrim: “(Growling) No, I got stuck to the Witch’s hall of mirrors five too many times.”
Reporter: “Speaking of mirrors, what do you think of my dress? I got it at-”
Maugrim: “I think impersonations of Tarkheenas are extreemly insulting to a wolf such as I. Go away! Grrrr. But in case anyone is watching I am stuck in the Hollywood pound. Come and prepare to be frightened grrrr, grrrr. Howl”
The End


Don’t forget to check out the winners of the last .